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The Work-Life Balance Myth

This concept of “Work Life Balance” continues to stir up controversy and confusion when mentioned in conversations.  We all want more balance between our life and work, but very few of us have successfully achieved, or even maintained, it.  Whenever I ask someone what “balance” means to them, their answer is always convoluted because they’ll claim to have achieved it “that one time”, but it somehow slipped away from them.

Part of the problem is that we typically view Work and Life at opposite ends of the see-saw, competitively weighing each other out.  In order for one to win, the other must lose – and trying to balance them is a cruel test that we’re doomed to fail.

If we’re being literal about balance, then a 24-hour day would include 8 hours for Sleep, 8 hours for Life, 8 hours for Work (or less, if we’re being honest).  But this just isn’t our common reality.  Many are unable to maintain this level of order and separation between our activities – and most often, sleep and lifestyle will often lose out.  (At least, that’s the common scenario in North America.)

Why?  Because the situation, and therefore our expectation, is flawed to begin with.

Even if we could delete technological reach from this equation, it’s difficult to fully “shut off” one part of our brain and “switch on” another to seamlessly navigate between scenarios.  Our minds need the time and opportunity to process our shifting attention.

Many of us are working an average of 40+ hours each week – more if you’re working multiple jobs, or you’re an entrepreneur – so at least one-third (33%) of our life is spent on work.  But we still have to factor in all the work-related “stuff” our brain continues to process when we’re off the clock. 

In a 2019 interview between Olga Khazan of The Atlantic, and Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has The Time, Schulte grimly observes that “despite the pressure to have it all, many workers still feel that they are failing in both work and at home”.  We’re carrying our work worries into our personal life, fretting about all the things we didn’t accomplish, and we’re distracted by personal obligations and regrets while we work.  We can’t help but feel that we’re always behind, not doing enough, and not being present enough – no matter what we’re doing.  We live in a fog of work that never ends, and it’s doing very little for our leisure time, social life, mental health and well being.

So what can we do? 

Honestly examine your priorities. The fact that your priorities are plural and can be listed can be problematic.  Having “too many” priorities can suggest that we’re using the term “priorities” to mislabel our never-ending to-do list.  Those aren’t priorities.

Start making a list of your daily activities: work, errands, interactions, hobbies, digital time, all of it.  No need to rush this process, as you can add items to your list over the course of the day or week.  As you’re taking note, you’ll notice that there are activities you love to do, some you’ll tolerate, and others that you’re seriously questioning.  

Now that it’s out of your head and onto paper, it’s jarring to realize that you may be spending a significant amount of time on general busy-ness – not just with work – but being busy with staying busy.  This state of busy-ness is a result of the “Should-Trap” –  all the things we think we should be doing or should be making a priority of, that actually generate little value or results.

While our priorities are personal and subjective, most will revolve around major themes of personal development, family, health, financial stability, etc.  That’s great, dedicate more time and attention to those, and let’s start whittling down all the distractions, or “junk” (whatever those may be for you).

I use an old-school computer reference CTRL + ALT + DEL for a hard reset whenever I’m questioning the value and validity of something that’s taking up my time and energy.  

Can I control it?  Can I alter it?  Can I delegate or delete it? 

Your answers will be different from mine, which is a vital element in determining what “balance” means to each of us.  This realization can allow us to shift our focus away from what everyone else is doing so we can identify and prioritize our own values and success criteria.

Our stress often stems from the expectations that we place on ourselves, on others, and the situations that we create (real and imagined).  In being honest about our expectations, we might realize that setting up rigid boundaries around work, life, and all else in between, will undoubtedly result in surprise and frustration when those boundaries get breached.  

Khazan beautifully summarizes that “In the end, the pursuit of balance can itself be exhausting: After an arduous workday, people feel as if they “should” dice up vegetables and Instagram their smiling toddlers.  In fact, some researchers think that rather than beating yourself up striving to balance work and life, it might be better to simply embrace the imbalance.”  

Our lives are divided by very soft lines.  Some instances require these lines to be firmly protected, and other times to be loosely drawn out.  If we allow ourselves to lean into the inherent softness of these structures – where some work days run longer, while other days offer ample free time – how could this shift our perspective around our own boundaries and balance?